My grandmother turns 87 on Wednesday. She went back to the hospital last night and is not doing well. It’s been a rough road over the last seven months, in and out of the hospital, in a long term care facility, having okay days and really bad days, battling bronchitis & pneumonia, stomach problems and any host of other issues.
It’s been so hard to walk through this time with my family, to love through the incredibly tough times. I have thought so many times about how much I want to be there by her side and just as many times about how grateful I am to be at a distance and to be protected in some ways from seeing her suffering up close and personal. Then I get mad at myself for feeling that way. I miss her so much and so wish I could be there to hold her hand, to sing songs with her, to pray with her, to sit with her when the loneliness sets in.
I was thinking that so much of love is not staying at a safe distance away, but choosing to be in the mix, choosing to walk with someone through the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health, through whatever comes. I have a lot to learn about that kind of love, the kind of love that steps into the fire with you and holds your hand through it all.
In seeking a heart like His, and in walking with my family through this time, I am learning more about what it means to love like that. I see my Mom by my grandmother’s side day-by-day. I see her love shine through even the toughest of days. It’s not easy and often exhausting, but she is there. What an incredible act of love that is!
There are so many different pictures of love in the story of David. We see the almost instant love between Jonathan & David (1 Samuel 18) – two men who had a common faith in God and a not-so-common blend of courage and humility. Then we see the false love of King Saul, who “loved” David because he made him feel good (1 Samuel 16:21-23). David’s music soothed his troubles. Saul’s love though would be as fleeting as a chapter, turning the page to hatred and jealousy (1 Samuel 18). Then Michal, Saul’s daughter loved David (18:28) – admired his valor and his victories, but not his passion for the Lord and the dancing in the streets (2 Samuel 6:12-16). Contrast that to David’s love for Abigail, based on her wisdom and grace in the way she intervened to prevent David from rash vengeance (25:32-40).
All these human relationships and the complexities of love remind me that even the strongest of human loves is imperfect and flawed. Even at our best, when we get it right, it still pales in comparison to God’s great love for us (Romans 8: 38-39). But I am not even close to getting it right. I read 1 Corinthians 13 and I realize how far I have to go to develop that patience and that kindness, that willingness to endure all things, and hope all things, that ability to forgive and to keep no record of wrongs, and yes, to stay in the mix and to suffer alongside.
God is teaching me what it means to love, in the most unlikely of ways. I have always loved my family and my grandmother – but my understanding of what that means is shifting and growing. I am learning how to live that love out practically day-by-day with those that mean the most to me. And in the process I am understanding new depths of His love for each of us.
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