How Defensive Driving Changed My Relationships at Work, Part 2

Confessions of a Not-So-Young Professional is a series of posts about the joys & challenges of work. These reflections are sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, sometimes humbling stories about developing the wisdom that comes with more experience and increased responsibility.

In my last post, How Defensive Driving Changed My Relationships at Work, I recounted the experience of getting my first ticket and resigning myself to taking a defensive driving class. I then outlined how God used the course to give me a look in the rearview mirror of my life. He opened my eyes through the course to a judgmental mindset determined to punish others for violating what I think they should or should not be doing. This mindset had begun to permeate my work, in which I had become increasingly stressed and frustrated, and had allowed seeds of bitterness and resentment to grow.

In terms of driving, the course recommended moving away from the "parent" mindset, one determined to punish others, to an "adult" mindset, one determined to solve problems and to take active responsibility to act in the good of all involved.

According to the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, drivers spend more than half of their time focused on things other than driving. As much as we would like to punish those who cut us off or tailgate us, we do not have that luxury. Instead, we have to adapt quickly whatever the situation around us to respond in ways that keep ourselves and others safe. Problem-solving is much more effective than punishment, especially in terms of avoiding collisions and arriving safely at our planned destination.

Hmmm… what if I brought that problem-solving mindset to work? What if I stopped focusing on punishing others who drop the ball or miss the mark in my mind? What if I set those judgments aside and let God’s love transform those relationships?

Over the last couple of months, I have been experimenting with that new mindset at work. Instead of seeing problems as their problems, I decided to view them as our problems so we could work together to solve them. Knowing there are times we all miss the mark (especially me), I left judgment in God's hands and found new grace both for myself and for my coworkers. I started to see the bitterness dissolve and love begin to take its place. I re-discovered the sense of common calling I share with others and the opportunity to work towards that calling together. I found the blessing of contributing my voice and gifts and the opportunity to celebrate the voice & gifts of others.

Long story short, work is transformationally different. God is at work, in and among us, steering us toward the collective work that He has called us to do. In a conversation with my boss, she commented that she has seen a drastic difference in me, night and day, in her mind. What made that difference? God did. And He used a ticket and a defensive driving course to do it!

"Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."
- Colossians 3:12-14

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law... Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other."
- Galatians 5:22-23,26

"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. For it is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.
- 1 Peter 5:15-17

How Defensive Driving Changed My Relationships at Work

Confessions of a Not-So-Young Professional is a series of posts about the joys & challenges of work. These reflections are sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, sometimes humbling stories about developing the wisdom that comes with more experience and increased responsibility.



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This summer, I received my first ticket. After 18 months of driving, I was pulled over for not coming to a full & complete stop at a stop sign. I thought I had stopped, but truthfully I was cruising along on auto-pilot to a breakfast meeting for work. My mind was focused on the meeting and my preparations and not so much on driving. I probably deserved the ticket.

I thought I could get the ticket dropped by going to court, but instead I was required to take a defensive driving course – 6 hours of precious time learning how to be a better driver. Ugh! As much I dreaded it, I have had a couple of minor accidents in my past. Maybe defensive driving was not such a bad thing. Maybe I had something to learn. I have also found myself confused about some Texas laws – what is that right shoulder passing lane? I decided to submit to the process and to be open to what I might have to learn. Little did I know that God would use it to steer me in a different direction at work…

Over this summer, work had become tense. I was going through some challenging conversations and leaving work increasingly stressed and frustrated. I felt fruitless and unproductive, resentful at times when things didn’t go my way. It seemed I was powerless to make things better on my own and that my voice didn’t matter. It was hard.

… In the defensive driving course, there were a lot of scenarios and quite a few questions. What would you do in this situation? Or rather, what should you do? How do you respond from a place of logical problem-solving versus road rage or distraction? How can you avoid collision traps when other people do stupid things on the road? I have to admit it was good to think about these things when not behind the wheel. It was good to remember that a split second can change a life or take a life. It was good to remember that cars are not airplanes – they are not meant to run on auto-pilot.

In addressing these scenarios, though, the course outlined three different mindsets that people have when they are on the road:

• The child mindset - I can do whatever I want (selfish & impulsive).
• The parent mindset – My role is to punish others that don’t do what they are supposed to do (controlling & punitive).
• The adult mindset – Regardless of how other people respond, my job is a problem-solver and to act responsibly in the best interests of all involved (selfless and solution-focused).

God held up the rearview mirror to my life and showed me how much I had been living in the parent mindset, how much I had been focused on other people’s behavior and all the judgments I had been passing on what they should have done or should not have done. As a side note, this is not to say all parents fall victim to this mindset or that there are not appropriate times to control behavior and to discipline.

For me, though, I begun to see the self-righteousness that can exists in this mindset, and I saw it all too clearly in my life. Part of me said if only others would fix their problems, if only they would listen to me or if only if they cared more, then things would be better. It reminded me how easy it is to justify my actions and live in a defensive posture. I was better than them; I had more truth and more right on my side. But did I?

The more I submitted to this course, the more I sensed God convicting me, the more I saw seeds of bitterness and resentment instead of love, the more I heard my own voice and how critical and judgmental I had become instead of edifying and encouraging.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." - Matthew 7:1-5

"Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else." – 1 Thessalonians 5:12-15

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins." – 2 Peter 1:5-9

Stay tuned to find out how God steered me in a different direction and what happened next at work.

Next post: How Defensive Driving Changed My Relationships at Work, Part 2

For more information on taking a defensive driving course, visit Ticket School. In Texas, you can save 10% on your auto insurance by taking the course - no ticket required!

Confessions of a Not-So-Young Professional

At what age, do you have to stop referring to yourself as a young professional? 30? 35? 40? I'm part of the Waco "Young Professionals" and my Sunday school class is named the "Young Professionals." Do these titles still fit me? I turned 35 in October, and I realized that I had to check a whole new demographic box on surveys. I was no longer 25–34. Now, I was 35-50. Ugh! That has an older feel to it. It has the feel of being middle aged, no longer young, and not quite old, but perfectly in the middle.

And that might be perfect, if I was married and had a family, settled in my career and had a house and all those things that just seem like they come from being middle aged and settled. But I still live in an apartment, I still struggle at work sometimes, and yes, I am still single. It doesn’t seem all so perfect at all, well maybe perfectly mediocre.

Over the last couple of months, I have been in a rut, spiritually and emotionally. I have found myself going through the motions wondering what happened to that sense of purpose and ministry I used to feel. What happened to the energy to put in the long hours and to invest in the lives of others? What happened to the commitment to spend quality time in prayer and Bible study? What happened to the sense of awe and worship, the freshness of God working in my life and the lives of others? I feel like I woke up one morning and found myself in a desert place, exhausted and worn out from a long journey, and feeling like I am on a hamster wheel, going & going, but not getting anywhere.

I don’t want mediocre, though. I’m not content with being exhausted and worn out, with losing that sense of purpose and focus. My life isn’t perfect; 35 may not be perfect. And that’s okay. I don’t think God is done writing that story. But, even now, in this desert place, I don’t want my life to be mediocre. Christ came that we might have life and have it more abundantly. I want that kind of life in Him. Even in the desert, I want His manna, to be aware of His presence and His provision. But I want more than the desert too – I want to soak in His goodness, like an oasis, to discover that freshness again in my walk with Him. I want to rekindle that sense of awe and majesty, to see Him at work in my life and in the lives of others. I want to know Him more, to serve Him more, to learn more of His love, to reflect more of His character. I want there to be more to the story than there is right now. I want this to be the middle of the story, and maybe even the beginning of a new chapter.

Here are some scriptures I'm pondering:

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place. Revelation 2:4-5, NIV

I know your deeds; you have a reputation of being alive, but you are dead. Wake up! Strengthen what remains and is about to die, for I have found your deeds unfinished in the sight of my God. Remember, therefore, what you have received and heard; hold it fast, and repent. Revelation 3:1b-3a, NIV

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. – 1 Peter 5:10, NIV

In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. – Philippians 1:4-6, NIV

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. – John 10:10, NIV