How Defensive Driving Changed My Relationships at Work

Confessions of a Not-So-Young Professional is a series of posts about the joys & challenges of work. These reflections are sometimes serious, sometimes humorous, sometimes humbling stories about developing the wisdom that comes with more experience and increased responsibility.



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This summer, I received my first ticket. After 18 months of driving, I was pulled over for not coming to a full & complete stop at a stop sign. I thought I had stopped, but truthfully I was cruising along on auto-pilot to a breakfast meeting for work. My mind was focused on the meeting and my preparations and not so much on driving. I probably deserved the ticket.

I thought I could get the ticket dropped by going to court, but instead I was required to take a defensive driving course – 6 hours of precious time learning how to be a better driver. Ugh! As much I dreaded it, I have had a couple of minor accidents in my past. Maybe defensive driving was not such a bad thing. Maybe I had something to learn. I have also found myself confused about some Texas laws – what is that right shoulder passing lane? I decided to submit to the process and to be open to what I might have to learn. Little did I know that God would use it to steer me in a different direction at work…

Over this summer, work had become tense. I was going through some challenging conversations and leaving work increasingly stressed and frustrated. I felt fruitless and unproductive, resentful at times when things didn’t go my way. It seemed I was powerless to make things better on my own and that my voice didn’t matter. It was hard.

… In the defensive driving course, there were a lot of scenarios and quite a few questions. What would you do in this situation? Or rather, what should you do? How do you respond from a place of logical problem-solving versus road rage or distraction? How can you avoid collision traps when other people do stupid things on the road? I have to admit it was good to think about these things when not behind the wheel. It was good to remember that a split second can change a life or take a life. It was good to remember that cars are not airplanes – they are not meant to run on auto-pilot.

In addressing these scenarios, though, the course outlined three different mindsets that people have when they are on the road:

• The child mindset - I can do whatever I want (selfish & impulsive).
• The parent mindset – My role is to punish others that don’t do what they are supposed to do (controlling & punitive).
• The adult mindset – Regardless of how other people respond, my job is a problem-solver and to act responsibly in the best interests of all involved (selfless and solution-focused).

God held up the rearview mirror to my life and showed me how much I had been living in the parent mindset, how much I had been focused on other people’s behavior and all the judgments I had been passing on what they should have done or should not have done. As a side note, this is not to say all parents fall victim to this mindset or that there are not appropriate times to control behavior and to discipline.

For me, though, I begun to see the self-righteousness that can exists in this mindset, and I saw it all too clearly in my life. Part of me said if only others would fix their problems, if only they would listen to me or if only if they cared more, then things would be better. It reminded me how easy it is to justify my actions and live in a defensive posture. I was better than them; I had more truth and more right on my side. But did I?

The more I submitted to this course, the more I sensed God convicting me, the more I saw seeds of bitterness and resentment instead of love, the more I heard my own voice and how critical and judgmental I had become instead of edifying and encouraging.

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." - Matthew 7:1-5

"Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else." – 1 Thessalonians 5:12-15

"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins." – 2 Peter 1:5-9

Stay tuned to find out how God steered me in a different direction and what happened next at work.

Next post: How Defensive Driving Changed My Relationships at Work, Part 2

For more information on taking a defensive driving course, visit Ticket School. In Texas, you can save 10% on your auto insurance by taking the course - no ticket required!